| Recovering...ya betcha! |
[17 Feb 2009|12:23am] |
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mood |
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 blank |
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I am recovering from the crud that inhabited my person. I am still trying to expel the mucus that reminds me that I was sick. I think I am still the teensy-est bit sick, but I really won't admit it.
I have been sleeping like a mutha fucka, let me tell ya. I went to sleep at 8PM and woke up a 2PM and it was pretty much the same the day before. My body is just telling me to calm the fuck down. I have been pretty tempered lately, subdued if you will. I am having trouble getting any gumption or charisma worked up again, but the sickness and the emotional shit have kept me from being...me.
Hopefully, I will be "me," soon enough...slowly, but surely.
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| Snug as a Mouse in a Mitten |
[10 Feb 2009|12:53pm] |
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mood |
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 content |
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Last night I slept rather well, considering I am sick and the weather is cold and windy. The night was good to me. I was swaddled up in the sheets and thinking of illustrations for children's books a mouse all cozy in a mitten. I'd wake up with a slight smirk feeling like that adorable little mouse, soon after I would let the night and sheets envelope me once again. WARM AND COMFORTED.
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| GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE!!! |
[07 Feb 2009|01:00pm] |
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mood |
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 crushed |
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The title of this entry is a summation of what is going on with me. I am being shoved out of the way of anything here. Maybe for the best, but the phrase, "Get the fuck out of my house!" echoes in my mind. I can't get it out.
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| Life Goes On |
[05 Feb 2009|07:14pm] |
So I haven’t posted a while. A lot has happened since my previous entry, but the feelings have resorted back to where they were in different ways. Basically, someone made me happy for awhile, soon after my last post (literally within the next few days of posting). I was lifted out of my hole then, it ended in burning flames. I think karma is reimbursing me, for the times I used people or hurt people. I was treated how I treated another.
Life goes on, no?
I am getting my shit together, things are lining up again and that gives me hope. Lessons were learned and that is what I have to take from the whole experience; live, learn, love.
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| Rothko's Legacy |
[24 Oct 2008|01:01am] |
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mood |
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 depressed |
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The quiet makes you doubt, the quiet makes you think, the quite stings then from its chrysalis it becomes pain.
Stories told from a near past that were re-hashed and relived. Memories were given new life a vitality through the recollection of thoughts and emotions, given in prose as vibrant as they once were lived. I envy that person the person who lived those moments; why can’t I be that person today? The moments lived were wrought with joy and insurmountable pleasure, also invoked the calm after, a calm so silent and cold it ushered in the dark.
Sometimes I think Rothko made the right decision, but I know this to be false. I wouldn’t dare hurt those that love me.
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| Disgusting Spider |
[08 Sep 2008|06:35pm] |
In the midst of a discussion I creep to my expandable folder I keep my papers in fuddling around for some piece of paper, an article, something so I can bullshit my way through the assignment I forgot to do. Then out of the crevices of some papers a tiny spider scurries out! I am so sick of spiders. I am not known as having arachnophobia or do others know me as one. I had week that was consumed by a demon on my garbage bin.
The bitch was first sighted on Labor Day; I actually did do something for this random US holiday. I went to a lake and roasted my pale skin in the sun; pretty damned toasty I’d have you know. The festivities of drinking, rowing, swimming and soaking had to come to an end. My friend Donna gave me a ride home, the day had progressed the night was in its infancy; dusk. I had a couple of thoughts rambling through my mind, one of them being “I wonder if the trash runs tomorrow?” and what readings do I need to catch up on for class. I walked inside ignoring the trash bin till I put my belongings securely away in the house. Turning on lights around the house, and then using the restroom to discover I was much more red than I ever thought I would get. Then the thought ran through my head again, “the trash!” I go out and see my rubbish bin near the garage light. As I move my hand to the handle to steer the dumpster away, my hand moves even more quickly away. There she was the most disgusting spider I have EVER seen in my life. This monstrosity was just calmly resting under the handle, with an engorged abdomen, all eight legs that were the stoutest I had seen on a spider. I go inside repulsed and let the spider have the garbage bin. I let her win.
I decided to summon the forces of the Internet to find out what the beast that took control of my trashcan was. In doing my mediocre research of arachnids I found more nauseating spiders that seemed come from deeper recesses of hell than the one on my rubbish bin. Obsessed with the fear that surged through my body I spoke to people on my instant messengers, seeing if they had any knowledge in identifying the creature, but my rambling only resulted in descriptions of “it’s fat,” “it’s scary,” “a she-beast.” My friends would reply, “How do you know it’s a girl?” “Because, only a woman could be so vile, fat and disgusting!” this was the only reply that would think of. Though in hind site probably not a good reply, being that a majority of my friends are women and took slight offense to my assertion. I took a Xanax.
The following morning I did my normal hurried “shit! I am going to be late for class!” routine; a routine that would be alleviated if I would not hit the ever so convenient snooze button so damned often. The spider only slightly grazed my thoughts a smidge of fear, still there. After the rush of gathering my items for class I was ready to venture out. Hesitantly passing the garbage bin to see something, that made my heart leap with ecstasy; she was gone
She was gone! She was gone, gone! So I thought. Like most wicked creatures do, they only reveal themselves at night. She was hiding away tucked into some crevice of my dumpster waiting to frighten me again with her unsightly presence. Lurking till the night to frighten me once more.
After a long drawn out class, I discussed my horrifying experience with a classmate as she drove me to my house, getting out of the car something in my body tells me to look at the site where the beast lived. I look and sure enough my hopes of her leaving were in vain. I was too hopeful. This time with closer examination I discover not only is she a squatter on my property, she had friends became veritable slumlord with other species of spiders living on her web. I have never heard, let alone see a spider accept another spider to prance along their silken webs.
Once more I went inside and obsessed, talking to friends about breadth of how hideous a spider could be. Friends would tell me, “knock the damned thing off,” in a slightly patronizing tone, but I simply couldn’t I had a legitimate fear of it chasing me. This nightmare continued for about a week. At one point I attempted to take a picture with my cell phone. The attempted photo shoot ended very disappointingly. I moved in relatively close then the camera phone LED light turned on and revealed that the she-beast was more hideous than I ever thought. Into the night as if it was a declaration to the gods I screamed, “It’s uglier than I thought it was!” I make and about face and begin to run away in my frightened state, the tall grass that remains in my walkway grazed my leg. I stomp on the ground repeatedly. I must have looked like a scene from Flash Dance. I continue to run then proceed to lock the door. Nauseated and petrified I take two Xanax
What was it about this spider that horrified me so? I still need to decipher why this wretched creature created such an ill response to my very fiber. I don’t mind spiders, I love wolf spiders I practically had one as a roommate when I lived in a little shitty apartment, she got rid of my ants. I didn’t evict the poor darling till she decided to raise her kids and my apartment was the place to do it. I found her in the kitchen with egg sac in tow. I gently scooped her up with a paper probably from the mail and walked her outside and told in simple terms that she couldn’t be raising her family there. She was gone, so I thought till I was turning the key to get in the house after work one day and who is at the threshold with a familiar egg sac! The wolf spider, I can’t say she wasn’t tenacious; maybe that is why she was so good at getting rid of all the ants in the apartment. I scooped her up again and walked her all the way down the street. I have fond memories my helpful roommate who probably ended up as a wonderful mother carrying her babies on her back.
I don’t carry fond memories of the engorged slum-lordess that occupied my waste receptacle. Multiple occasion multiple and people I spoke to, to rid the world of this demon who haunted my life. One fateful day I asked my dear friend Colin to execute her, and he reluctantly said, "yes." He thought my descriptions of the beast were flights of fancy. He soon discovered the horrifying truth; that she crawled out of hell. With a large stone and brute force he wailed at the beast. I had the fear of her chasing me so, I hid around the corner, only to hear bang! Bang! BANG! The slamming of the rock against the cement echoes and a chill was sent down my spine with every clash that the hard substances made. She was gone, destroyed. Only a flecking of white internal remains on the cement where the massacre took place of the slum-lordess who obsessed my mind for a week.
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| Digital alarm: Very Real Snooze Button |
[30 Aug 2008|03:14pm] |
The artificial rings that my phone is pre-installed goes off. I groan and roll over in my bed to see that my damn alarm went off. The one I set so that I get my fat ass up to shower; I don’t get up. The snooze button was hit twice; I finally disarm the blasted noise only to sleep longer. Damn me! I hate when I do that. I never leave enough time for to wake up fully. Sluggishly I go to the restroom, turn on the shower and take in the hiss of the water flowing. I am too tired or is it lazy to stand. As I sit in the tub the water hitting my head the only thought or feeling I get is from the warmth of the shower. I love how warm water envelopes my body, it gives me some mild comfort. Comfort for what I honestly don’t know, being that I don’t particularly have the answer I psychoanalyze myself. What says you Dr. James Freud “it is the warmth of another body to embrace you that you desire.” I quickly dismiss my inner shrink and tell myself, “It’s because you are fucking cold and need to wake up!” I accept my answer for a couple of reasons, the water is getting cold already and no longer feel comfort, and well I don’t’ want to tread those waters of a void in my life.
I have to get ready for class, keeping in mind my recent desire to look more stylish for the sake of looking more attractive; for myself, because remember I want to repress some security issues. Fuddling around looking for some garments to wear, I think, “coffee!” No coffee this morning for me. I have also decided to be a coffee snob recently too. I love the taste of that delicious dark temptation made in a coffee press. Since I put myself on a tighter schedule this morning due to the fact I couldn’t resist the infamous “snooze” button. I did not have the time to boil the water and stir the coffee and wait those four anxious minutes for it to brew properly. I did make sure and get some substance in my belly. I poured a bowl of cereal and ate while I searched for my clothing, invariably lost the bowl a couple of times in my groggy state of mind. Time to leave the house and venture into the world.
I make it to class on time (barely) and I still want coffee.
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| A Bicycle Ride Down Memory Lane |
[29 Aug 2008|11:04pm] |
Rummaging through my memories to recall an adventure and to find the most vivid. I blow the dust off of one, the one that I took a high-speed journey down a rocky hill. The summer began with a journey to the house that used to be my grandparents, but was passed to my mother in the passing of her father. My father, and two of my sisters, my sisters and I being the youngest of the gaggle of siblings that is my family decided to take roost in the house for a summer of fishing and play. We paid our way through the summer by tying flies and selling them to a local fishing shop. My dad became inspired by a recent movie, “A River Runs Through it,” and he took on the craft to foster his love for fishing. Following suit we all learned to tie small artificial insects made of various feathers and animal hairs. The time spent between providing child labor, fishing was defending and creating alliances with my cousins, we swam, rode bikes, generally raised cane.
The greatest mission for my summer was a steep hill where a small group of my cousins lived. I watched like a hawk as they glided down the hill when they would visit or to commune at the swimming hole in the river. I kept the cautious eye them for the majority of the summer, but didn’t dare embark on such a challenge till my confidence rose and my generally goofy balance was less so. Throughout the summer I wanted to navigate my bike up the hill but the thought of pushing up a bike was inefficient.
The moment of truth came one day when my dad met my uncle to repair a fence I piped up and asked him to take the bike and me up. Agreeing to my request we went, assured that I would come out unscathed. Unscathed, I wish turned out so. I sat atop the hill mentally preparing myself before pushing off to what I thought would be glory. Down I went, the thrill was intense as my speed increased and I saw a blur of trees and rocks. Approaching the bottom I became frightened, “I am going too fast!” said in the confines of my mind. The road became bumpier with a thicker layer of gravel put toward the bottom. Still going at a ridiculous speed I have never or yet to experience on a bicycle I tried to turn and then braked. Holding tightly to my bike jackknifed and I became airborne. My eyes closed. I opened my eyes to see I under the bike and surrounded by gravel. I knew I was hurt, but didn’t realize my head was bleeding.
Blood was rushing down my temples; I stood up and walked briskly to my summer residence. I walked in the house and my sisters and father quickly panicked and directed me to the restroom to cleanse my wounds. Firstly, some of the embedded gravel was removed from my head and washed simply with water. A lack of medical supplies in the house was common, so my dad grabbed the only bottle of peroxide and began to poor it on my bleeding scalp. As my father poured it on my head, a thought came bursting forward, “that is going to turn my hair orange!” I yelled, “Stop!” The thought only arose, because of the rumor mill that was my older sister and mother who would judge women’s poor dye jobs and said it was done with peroxide. What child thinks of that? Me.
My hair wasn’t dyed a horrid orange. The hair color that I see with great frequency in many young women and the color that my mom and sister spoke of when I was younger. I never shaved or buzzed my hair for fear of finding a head scarred with gravel. My adventure didn’t end with a great triumph, but it is one of the clearest that I could dig out of the large storage bin which is my mind. It was a thrill, though it was quick lived. A great lesson was learned; use your brakes. In hindsight I found out that my cousins who glided down that hill, kept the brakes held the entire way down the hill. They did not have to be concerned with a high-speed stop.
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| Peppy waves goodnight |
[17 Aug 2008|12:39am] |
Today I woke up to loud children and the television blaring; my sister and my niece and nephews. I proceed to stumble out of bed and walk into the living room and from the kitchen I hear my sister tell me, "hey go help me take my trash to the dump man!" Reluctantly I agree, I go to her house under the assumption she had all her piles of garbage ready to be hauled off, well I was rudely mistaken. Watching my sister rummage through all the rooms gathering papers and left over debris from the bathroom renovation (which I helped). I suddenly decide to help out and gather broken and shards of cut tile from the front yard, in doing so I drop one on my leg above my knee and get a little scrape, "so what," I think, but soon to find out that would be only the small injury of the day.
Driving with our load of garbage with included a broken toilet, two sinks, broken tile and household garbage we pass the the disgusting logo of Eagle Ranch Pistachios, which my sister and I have dubbed, "The Pustule," it is so gross, it brings up thoughts of Valtrex medications and the horrifying commercials they air. Here is a side note for you, in looking for an image to post with this I discover its name is "Peppy." Anyway, we pass "the pustule"and take the garbage. While we are unloading I stop because of a wretched pain in my foot. A nail just went through the sole of my show and into my heel, I yell at my sister "Bob I am stuck!" she in turn says, "yeah right." I was serious. A rusty nail from the old molding from the bathroom just pierced my foot. So that kinda put a damper on my day, till my sister goes home and starts to mow her lawn. I am allergic to grass while she zooms merrily along on her new riding lawn mower. I am trapped at her house with itchy skin and a hole in my foot. The worst is yet to come WORK.
I hate work, I really do. I dislike serving on people so they can shovel gobs of over portioned meals into their enormous bodies especially when my customers are so freaking fat that they look like they belong in Candy Land as evil enchanted trees of the gum drop forest. But luckily today was my last day. This being the third time I quit this week. This quit was final. So very glad it is over and done with now I am going to return home and enjoy the quiet of my house and be back into my school routine.
Oh and I lost my phone for the eleventy-billionth time.
well that is all the bitching I have tonight folks and I will leave "the pustule" to wave goodnight.
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| Is it done yet?... |
[08 Aug 2008|11:57pm] |
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mood |
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 nervous |
] |
This summer has felt so unaccomplished, for one I cut my finger on a power saw the other day. Two I have been working a job I really don't like, which in turn causes my psychosomatic tummy aches. Honestly I want the summer to be over.
Summer will be over soon and my favorite season will begin, yep you guessed it the marvelous season of fall. The cool air makes happy. My college courses will commence once again and will be in the throws of academia once more. I love school, but I am graduate in December! I am über excited and scared. I am going to start applying to grad schools to get my Master of Fine Arts in Photography. My intentions are to apply to top five then wherever, just as long as it is outside of New Mexico. The top five being: Yale, Chicago Institute of Art, Rochester Institute of Technology,RISD (RIT & RISD tied for third), Arizona State University and University of New Mexico (but as I said outside of New Mexico).
What do I do?! I guess I am brimmed with anticipation for the future, because I don't know where my life is going for the next couple years. Once a college accepts me I am will be more certain, but until then; it is kinda scary. These are thoughts this summer has brought me.
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| Why can't I be you? |
[24 May 2006|12:27am] |
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mood |
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 enraged |
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music |
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When Girls Telephone Boys -Deftones |
] |
Okay here is something that pissed me off:
...
Jacob: so i'm working at a nightclub now
Jacob: fun stuff!
James: wow
James: hot boys?
Jacob: of course
James: lucky
James: have you scored a lot?
Jacob: :)
Jacob: i know you like to live vicariously...but this i will keep to my self
James: whatever
James: I was just curious
James: I am it is a far fetch for me to want to live through you vicariously
Jacob: well...i don't share my sex life with anyone fyi
James: ah, okay state it as so
James: I caught your condesending tone
James: or a simple maybe, or yea
James: I am not one to ask about details
Jacob: ah ok
James: I am sorry, but I do not try to live trough anybody or try to be anyone I am not. It is one of my pet peeves.
...
So first of all if I was to live vicariously through someone it would not be him, god damn it. Let us look at his previous track record; JOE BOYD, and he is a HIDEOUS apache enough said. In what stretch of the imagination is "have you scored a lot?" a translation to "I wish i was you tell me everything about it". I am certain some people don't have mirrors, and if they do their giant head inflated with ego is hampering their view in a standard sized bathroom mirror.
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| Who is that NERD |
[23 May 2006|01:41am] |
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mood |
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 restless |
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So I have been thoroughly boring lately, I have been reading art history books for leisure and “personal enrichment”. If you would like to know, the books are “Twentieth-Century American Art” by Erika Doss and “Modern Art in the USA: Issues and Controversies of the 20th century” by Patricia Hills. Yes, I have been that nerdy. I have also been trying to figure out a way to sell my photos; I need to get them sold.
Other things on my agenda are, getting a job, figuring out how I can procure the use of a Digital Rebel so I can shoot two weddings this summer (normally I hate weddings, but they are friends).
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| whaa...is that your...? |
[22 May 2006|07:04pm] |
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Today was another unproductive day, I did nothing but come to the college to do more nothing. I spent a lot of time on here (LJ) bored.
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| music to the ears |
[09 May 2006|09:10pm] |
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mood |
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 geeky |
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Here is part of a song my friend and I wrote...
Wet baaack bitches,
wet baaack.
biitches,
clean my dishes,
Dig my ditches...
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[06 May 2006|02:35am] |
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mood |
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 drunk |
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so right now I am pretty drizzunk, I thinky I am gonna hork in a bit. I partied at my friend Chris' freind's house, it was kinda wierd b/c it was a whole buncha frat guys, but it was cool. I drank TONS of beer,we played a game called "beer pong" it was FUCKING AWESOME!!! I dunno what I am typing now I can barely read what I am punching on the keyboard.
" "
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| it's aiight |
[28 Apr 2006|10:41pm] |
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My birthday was kinda alright, I went to school did nothing, and told few that it was my birthday. All and all it was a good day.
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| April 27th's eve |
[26 Apr 2006|08:15pm] |
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mood |
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 contemplative |
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It is another eve of another birthday; I have no idea why I become so entirely contemplative about things when my birthday approaches. I am going to be twenty three years old; I just can’t even believe how fast the past four years have zoomed by. I also can’t believe how much a person can grow and change in such a quick amount of time.
Other than thinking of the approach of my birthday, I have been pretty stressed about my final project for color photo. One I have very little funds to develop so much film that my instructor wants me to shoot, FIFTEEN rolls can you believe that and the development is almost five dollars A ROLL at PDQ. I am trying to find a way so I can get to Alamogordo this weekend and process the crap at Wal-Mart.
I guess this is just a stressful time of year, my impending birthday, with my thoughts filled with god knows what, and then it is usually “cram” time for all my classes. I’ve survived before and I am going to definitely do it once again.
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| OVERALL GOOD |
[20 Apr 2006|11:59pm] |
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mood |
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 drained |
] |
So I've been having a sore throat, I finally went to the student health center to get it checked out. I went in and, I knew my throat was to say the least ICKY, I waited in the usual fashion filling out papers and got called in etc. The Doctor arrived, asked me about my symptoms...blah blah blah, then looked in to my throat and cringed (not a good thing to see a Dr. wince when looking in your throat)she followed her wince by saying "You mus'nt be a happy camper" and "most people probably couldn't swallow w/ ulcers like that" and I followed all that up w/ "Well I have a high pain tolerance"
I ended up getting a strep test which came out negative, but she gave me anti-viral meds. The funny part was that she said "we don't usually prescribe anti-viral, but this stuff is used for Herpes". I was thinking WHAT THE HELL, I haven't gotten laid in OVER A YEAR. Then the good doctor continued and said "I'm not saying you have herpes or anything, it is just a strong anti-viral we use for, herpes, shingles, etc". An internal sigh of relief. I went on w/ the rest of my day joking about my "herp meds"
Today I still felt like crap, but it was overall a good day. Good conversations w/ friends, helped out at the Art Gallery as usual, came home took a nap and went to class. My buddy Chris came to pick me up to go to class when I was napping, he tripped me out b/c he was ringing the doorbell (not used to that). When I went to class, I only attended like fifteen minutes of class and left, went to Chris' house and "chilled". Today was also happened to be the birthday of a buddy of mine, John (which is also Adolf Hitler's birthday, random fact for you). I went to the Brew in celebration of John's birthday and partook in a few libations and joked around w/ his girlfriend.
So all and all today was a good day, even though I physically felt like crap.
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| Cranky Butt |
[17 Apr 2006|07:27pm] |
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mood |
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angry |
] |
Right now I am an angry being, I got smashed in my photo critique because PUG BITCH (Alex) IS A FUCKING WHORE, who finds any opportunity to make my work feel like it is trash. I have a migraine, so the sum of those two things may make for my toxic attitude right now.
I suppose I should get out of my rut and focus on the people who I know are there for me.
List of immediate things to do:
Take a nap, and see if that helps my head
Take a moment to reflect that my work isn’t crap
List of thing for now and the future:
Believe that everything is going to work out
Stays focused on my goals and achieve them, which would make me happy
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| YAY for ME!!! |
[12 Mar 2006|02:11pm] |
For those of you who didn't know two of my photos were accepted to into the Student Exhibition at New Mexico State. The gallery opening was on Friday March 10th and much to my delight and surprise I won two juror awards; one of them had a $100 prize WHOO HOO. Along with the two awards and the money my photos will be on display at the Art Dept. till the next student exhibit. SO I am quite elated at the fact that my stuff actually got stuff
**side note**
The images were of the series I am working on urban landscapes. They are of pictures of a car wash.
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